As I write this, it’s been exactly one month since you took your life. I imagine that it’s still as alive in everyone else’s mind as it is in mine. The wounds are still fresh, and every time I think of our great memories together, I open the wound and let the feelings pour out again.
Emotions seem to come in spurts. Some days are ok, while others are a living nightmare. I listened to what the guidance counselor told me:
“You will need to learn how to compartmentalize everything.”
So far, it’s helped me a lot with holding back tears in public places. However, I, as well as many others, am only so strong. After a while, it gets damn near impossible to pretend like everything is ok. Songs will come on and make me instantly break down. I DM your twitter on occasions and pretend that you’re still here. I message you and tell you about my day in hopes that one day you’ll log on and reply. I’ll see things on twitter and think, “I should DM this to him. He’ll love it.” And then I remember the unfortunate truth that no matter what I do, you won’t come back. I will spend the rest of my life without you. I have so much life to live too. I should be spending it with you. You should be here.
I’ve hung your picture on my closet door, along with a note you wrote me in Algebra that reads “hola bonita.” I wear your hoodie from time to time, but I mostly leave it on my desk. I plan on framing it eventually, but now is too soon. I still need to sleep with it sometimes, and digging it out of a frame would be a pain in my butt.
I would give anything to spend just one more day with you. Maybe that one extra day would have changed everything… the world to me. There will never be anyone like you. You will forever be in my heart, bud.
“YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.” -JOSHUA RUSSELL BYERS