I found this old entry on my laptop and figured that it would be a waste not to share it with you guys. It’s not finished, and as hard as I try, I can’t seem to find a good way to end it. So I apologize for how short it is, but it’s all I could write.
“Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It will only come from you.” Ralph Marston
I’ve had a really rough few years. I’ve tried to invite others into my life in order to find happiness. I figured that if I gravitated towards the right people it would ultimately make me feel better. Obviously that logic was bogus, or I wouldn’t be writing this. I’ve given myself so many chances to be happy, but I’ve still resorted to other people. That’s when I realized that I was the only person in the way of my happiness. I had to allow myself to find what made me happy instead of who made me happy. I had to try new things and “find myself.”
“Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is recognizing my worth. I let people into my life who dragged me down and made me feel as if I were doing everything wrong. Not only did I let them into my life, but I also let their words into my heart. After continuously being told that I was not worth anything, I started to believe it. I let it devour me and every bit of motivation that I had left. I no longer worried about being a better person for myself or others. I only wanted to finish the day. Since nobody knew what I was going through, I only had myself to blame for remaining stagnant on the metaphorical rock bottom.
“Your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you. They may not be here now to prove it, but one day they will be.”
I’ve come to realize that not everybody is meant to have a permanent place in my life. It took me a while to come to terms with it, but now that I have understood that, I am more comfortable with exploring new things and meeting new people. Memories are most important to me at this point, and whether I make them with people who genuinely want to stay in my life or those who want only to dip their toes in the water honestly doesn’t matter to me. I just want to be able to say that I lived. And once the people that are meant to stay in my life have arrived, I will know what it is like to be unconditionally loved.