Sometimes words are easier to say when you’re in a car, lacking eye contact with the one you are speaking to. Other times it’s easier on the phone. For me, however, it’s easiest to say how I feel when I am writing. So without further a due, here are the words I have been painfully dying to say to someone special.
You still have my heart. I know you’ll probably get mad at me for saying it, because you don’t have feelings for me, but you need to know. I had this idea of how our lives would be together. Not necessarily in a “growing-up-and-having-children” way, but more of a “making-memories-with-you” way. I thought of all the crazy adventures we could’ve had, but never did I expect our time together to be cut so short. I hate that I will never know what would have been.
Although we ended so abruptly, we still had a good run. I try to remind myself of the good times we had in order to keep a smile on my face. I think of the days that were full of nothing but laughs. I remember when we’d notice we were holding hands, but not remember how we got there. I think of all the moments that I had never thought would be real, those kinds of moments that you only see in movies.
But sometimes the hard times come to mind. Our arguing back and forth about how we were “raised differently” and have “different morals,” our silent treatments, our violent throwing of hurtful words, they all haunt me. Whenever I look back at those times, I see red. I see evil. I see discomfort between us. I know that at that time, we were both exhausted.
I should be over us but I’m not, and it drives me crazy. We ended on bad terms. We both were in the wrong, but for some reason you had an easier time at moving on. Your eyes and smile still flood my dreams. I think about you any chance I get, but I know I have never once entered your mind.
Even though we had our rough moments, I think what we had was supposed to last longer than it did. I mostly blame myself for this outcome, but I know everything happens for a reason.
I hope that one day you will read this and know how I feel.