I told myself that I wouldn’t continue to write about you. Not after last time. But since this has been haunting my mind all day, I have to write to get it off of my chest. And maybe if you read this, you’ll know what you did to me.
Not long ago, we were together. We were something that I cherished. I never wanted to see us crumble like we did. However, there was something I was so blind to. Honestly, I think I knew. I think I knew for some time that you did not have feelings for me but I didn’t want to admit it so I turned a blind eye. Now that we are no longer together, I have been playing back the signs in my head that I missed before. I remember now, all the blank stares, meaningless kisses, and empty hand holding we shared. Now I know that it was a sign. I will always be paranoid now, looking for those same signs in any other man I am with.
You told me you would be there for me, to support me through everything. You promised to always cheer me on and to never leave my side. Now you know why I rarely take promises seriously. I held you to your word and look where it got me. At least I’ve learned something from this.
When I found out that you did not have feelings for me, I’m not going to lie, it hurt. My heart sent an aching pain to the rest of my body and paralyzed me. My tears burnt my cheeks and left my eyes swollen and red. But when I was around my family, I pretended to be strong. I hate showing weakness. When I was alone, I cursed myself for falling for your tricks. I hated myself for being so stupid as to believe that I could actually be happy with someone like you- someone “perfect.”
My heart still aches when I hear your name. I know it will take some time until it doesn’t. But until that time comes, I will suffer in silence. Only my pillow will know the tears I cry and words I use to belittle myself in the dark hours of the night.
I don’t blame you for this. I don’t curse your name for not loving me the way I loved you. I know it isn’t always a reasonable trade, love. I know it’s a battle half the time, and I know we gave it a fair fight. There are no regrets.
The night we broke up, you sat with me and explained to me why this happened. I understood. I didn’t try to argue with you or beg you to stay. I couldn’t do that to you. Instead, I let you comfort me, since you knew me well enough to know how. You told me what you learned about me… that I’m scared of growing up. I had never thought about it before, but you were right. I’m afraid of getting older and losing who I am now, and a part of me is afraid of losing the innocence that we all have when we are young–a mysterious innocence that we all seem to have built-in at birth. But with you, I wasn’t afraid of losing that innocence. I was not afraid of being an adult and growing up. You were like a safe place to me, and I was willing to risk my innocence to remain safe with you.
Now, when I say “innocence,” I don’t mean it in a sexual context. I mean it as the truest form of the word. I was inexperienced in almost every aspect of life, and when you came around, you taught me about everything. You showed me how growing up wasn’t all that bad. I wanted more than anything to have you by my side while I grew.
I am still hurt, don’t get me wrong, but I have learned to deal with it. I no longer stare at my phone and wait for a text or call that will never come. Of course I still want to talk to you, and sometimes I try, but most of the time I am able to hold myself back. I know that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. Just like if you wanted to be with me, you would. But now I have to come to realize that losing things that are meant to be lost is a part of life, and that it is just God preparing me for something even better. Although I highly disagree that there is anything better than you. I guess it’s just my heart talking.
So thank you.
Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for taking the time to learn about me, and learn how my brain worked. Thank you for learning my favorite color and my McDonald’s order. Thank you for hauling me around town because I still can’t drive. Thank you for rubbing my back and playing with my hair when I was tired. I will never forget how wonderful you were before we hit a wall.
You blessed me with all that you are.