“I don’t regret you, but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at ‘hello'”
You broke me over and over. I forgot over and over because unlike you, I forget the bad and remember the good. I knew my worth, but forgot the things that would’ve made me worthless to you. I let the cycle continue for months. Now I am stopping it.
I’ve battled with titles for this entry. Here’s just a few different directions I almost went in.
To the Boy Who Will Regret Letting Me Go
To the Boy Who Hurt Me
To the One Who Took Me for Granted
To the One Who Never Wanted Us
And although they would’ve all made compelling and true testimonials, something told me that you already knew all of that. So now we’re here and as the title suggests, I must get over you.
I know you’ll hate me for this because I’m focusing on the terrible times. Yes, there were good times- amazingly, greatly perfect times. But that isn’t what matters now. What matters is what went wrong. A writer is always to write about her muse.
I’ve written about you before (see: An Open Letter to the Best Friend I Fell in Love With, I Wrote This Instead of Calling, To The Boy Who Didn’t Love Me Back). And reading them back now, I find it so obvious that we were intertwined in a toxic cycle. If people knew that they were all written about you, they would’ve saved me sooner. They would’ve stopped me from falling down the dark tunnel that was you.
You made me feel so special all the time, and I cherished that. I felt like I could trust you with anything. But then the tables would turn so quick. It seemed like any time I confided in you, you’d get furious with me. I would tell you stories about my past, and you would go mute. You’d sigh and stare off into space. The disappointment in your eyes broke my heart. But I would not yet lose trust or faith.
You did though.
So just like anyone in my position would have to do, I moved on. It took me a while, but I finally did it and I felt amazing. Sure, I still cared about your well being, but I did not want to be with you. We still texted sometimes since we tried to be friends, but I could tell that you weren’t crazy about it. As time went on and I found myself feeling free again, IT happened.
We decided to hang out- AS FRIENDS. But when it was time for you to leave, you kissed me. I felt every emotion I ever felt for you return to me. I instantly remembered what it was like to lay on your chest and hear your heartbeat. I remembered holding your hand in the car, lying in bed while you ran your hands through my hair, and those quick kisses you’d give me when I was upset. All the things I taught myself to forget, I remembered. I hate you for that.
You told me we should try again, and being overwhelmed with emotions, I said yes. So we entered the stage that no one dare go- talking. Well, technically that’s not what it was. You didn’t want a label on it, so it was a mix of several things. But to sum it up, you got what you wanted from me (oh no, did I just say that?) and I got to wonder how long it would be until you were comfortable with any type of label.
So I waited and waited. I make it sound like forever because it seemed like it to me. But it was barely a week. Then I slowly noticed the same signs that you exhibited the last time you left me. You had blank stares. You’d say “thanks” almost monotonic when I told you that you were cute. I lost you before I found you. But luckily for me, that means that I won’t let myself get lied to again.
I need to move on. I need to get over you. I need to feel strong without you. I need to stop telling myself that I need you.
You absolutely tore me apart. You broke my heart and my spirit several times. And I still don’t want to say goodbye. I’d rather beg you for more chances. I still trust you, though I shouldn’t. I still want to ask God for the good times back. But for my own sanity (what’s left of it, anyway), I need to let go. My sister’s friend actually consoled me last night. She told me that from what she has concluded from my raging fits of anger and heartbreak, you aren’t ready for relationships. You want control over the person you leave. You want them to be heartbroken forever, unable to get over you. You want them to hurt while you go with other girls. But guess what. You don’t get that from me.
We’ve made some great memories together, but I think that is why you were put in my life. God wanted me to make memories, face heartbreak, and learn to grow. So although you will probably argue against this in your typical way, God sent you. You were sent to protect me for a short time and impact me for a long time. So thank you for doing what you were sent here to do.