I’m feeling lost.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like a shadow of myself. I don’t want to smile or eat or leave my house anymore. I just want to sit in the dark and read a sad book.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke up almost every hour on the hour from nightmares and couldn’t go to sleep until I stopped having thoughts that sent a stabbing pain down my whole body. I’ve begged my parents to make the pain go away like they’re some sort of magicians. I’ve thrown punches at pillows and screamed at the top of my lungs. I’ve cried so hard that no sound could come out of me. I’ve become paralyzed in public, unable to move until I regained steady breaths. Heartbreak fucking sucks.
It feels like the pain won’t go away. It feels like it’ll be here forever. I can’t shake it off for good. Sometimes when I feel that it’s gone away, my fingers tremble and I feel my lip start to quiver. Then I realize that I don’t have to think about what’s going on to feel the pain. It’s haunting me.
I’ve always looked at times like these as a chance for me to find myself or improve myself. And as hard as it will be for me to even wake up and face the days ahead of me, I will come out stronger in the end. I already feel stronger after every “you’ll find someone better,” “you’re going to college soon,” or “you’re too good for this” that I’ve had to endure.
Sometimes I do really well at hiding my emotions but right now it feels like a glass overflowing. I get random urges to cry or curl up in a ball. But afterwards I want to dance in my room to old Disney Channel songs and sing at the top of my lungs. I’m just trying to forget.
I’m trying to remind myself that just because this is happening, I am not broken. I am beautiful, brilliant, and talented. I will be going places that people wouldn’t dare see me going. I will be successful and proud of myself. Of course it’ll take time for me to feel ok again, but I know that once I do I’ll be better than ever.