Hi friends, it’s me, a distant memory at this point I would assume.
It has been a few months since I last shared my thoughts with any of you via my blog and I considered leaving it at that. However after some reflecting, I decided that my five year blogging journey deserved a more dignified farewell. One with explanations, tears, joy, and celebration. So I truly hope that by the end of this lengthy letter, we find all of that.
I began writing when I was in elementary school, writing short books and the occasional diary entry. I knew I had a passion for writing at a young age. In high school, I carried a notebook to every class and wrote in my free time. Whether it was poetry, journalling, or writing letters to my friends. Getting my thoughts out on paper really helped me feel at peace. My best friend would always ask to read my notebook. I always let him because he was my biggest supporter. He highly encouraged me to share my thoughts with the world, and so I give him credit for everything that my blog has become. One day I hope to be able to thank him for that.
Throughout college, I struggled to find my place which made blogging an afterthought for some time. To anyone who stuck around through that chaos, I thank you. During my final year of college, I fell in love, moved away, and began a life I loved. So blogging and sharing my life became a lot more comfortable and started to feel like I was writing letters to my old friend. I think anyone who scrolls through my posts can see that shift. Things felt right, even at times when I knew they were wrong. I was able to escape to my little corner of the internet. So thank you for allowing me to get away from all of the bad times in my life by chatting with you all.
Ultimately, God has so many plans for us that we may not understand. In recent months, I was tested and tried by countless traumatic events that shook me to my core and left me as a shell of the young woman I once was. And because of that, I have felt both physical and emotional pain when the thought of writing or blogging comes to mind. I feel pressure to continue this image of myself that I built up for the internet to see and unfortunately that person is far gone. So with tearful eyes, I sit here to say goodbye to a huge chapter of my life as I move on to the next.
I am working now to slowly fall in love with not only those around me, but with myself. Everyday looks a little brighter and I see myself gravitating toward a happier ending. I have surrounded myself with people who support me irrevocably, love me unconditionally, and help me grow each and every day. I see beauty in life again. Old friends I once shut out have welcomed me back with open arms, and I have even made so many beautiful new friends who keep me smiling every day. I don’t know where my life is heading- and there is beauty in not knowing- but I know that I will wind up right where I need to be. I know I will be the best version of myself for my daughter and I.
Since I mentioned her, I will update you all on the cutie that stole our hearts. She is well, growing each and every day into the sassiest little thing I have ever laid my eyes on. She just turned four months old, but she acts like a grown woman some days. Watching her grow and develop a personality all her own has been the biggest blessing in my life. I love being her mommy so much words cannot describe. Everything I am is because of this child who was once just a little flicker in my belly.
She loves to smile and laugh, which in return makes me do the same. Her laugh is so perfect. She smiles real big, starts to chuckle, and curls her hands around her chin. I wish I could describe it better, but there honestly aren’t words. She also loves dancing. We listen to music together a lot and she even has a playlist of her favorite songs. One song in particular is magic to her. Any time she cries, I play this song and I swear not even a second will go by and she stops to listen. Just another example of how her little personality shines through.
She is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am the luckiest mama in the world to get to wake up to her smiling face every day. For those who kept up with my life, could you believe I was going to be a mom? Can you believe where I am now? I sure can’t.
On a personal note, which I first hesitated sharing, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in March. When I was being treated for postpartum, the medication I was on had actually been exacerbating my emotional issues rather than soothing them. And when I didn’t take any at all, it was like I hit a wall where I was struggling so much to control my brain and things could take sharp turns whether that be positively or negatively. Then life did a fun little 180 on me and I couldn’t eat for weeks. I struggled so badly with controlling my emotions and felt such little regard for myself. I looked at myself so poorly and did not care to change that. After losing 20 pounds in a week’s time, I looked at my daughter and realized I needed to ask for help not only for myself but for her. I needed to stop living this way and show her what strength looked like. I had to set a good example and be a good role model for my child. So I picked myself off the floor and asked for help.
I spoke with a doctor who quickly made the connection that everything I had been going through could be traced back to bipolar disorder. Once I began treatment, I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders for the first time in what feels like my entire life. I cannot believe that people actually live like this. It’s beautiful. I don’t feel anger or pain at the flip of a switch anymore and it’s amazing. Things that once would have ruined me and led me to an ugly breakdown or attack now are dust on my shoulder that I brush off without even thinking about. I am able to sit down and talk through how I’m feeling and calmly solve problems unlike before. I used to be a verbal attack type, but I swear I am a whole new person now. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m stepping out into the sunshine.
I say this because I know there is a huge stigma around mental health and while we’re getting better at talking about it, accepting that you may need help is still a huge challenge. It was for me. But the world of good it did for me was so worth the discomfort I felt at first. I feared that people would see me as less of a person for my diagnosis or even for getting help and in all honesty, it takes being diagnosed to really understand how little a label changes who you are. I am so grateful for all of my doctors and nurses who helped me get to this point.
Also, in regard to my struggle with postpartum- which I feel needs to be shared- the fight is not over. There are harder days and easier days, and that is entirely normal. I struggled so badly for months after my daughter was born. I didn’t feel I could be loved or that I was loved. I felt alone… isolated even though I felt I was screaming for help. Any effort anyone made to show me love was invisible to me. I was buried too deep in my self hatred. Every day was torture for me as I tried to navigate my new life and make sure that I did everything perfectly (which by the way, you never will and that’s ok). Being treated and actually accepting the help has made it all bearable. So please, if you are struggling, know that there is help out there. And if one thing doesn’t work, try another. I relied heavily on people who just couldn’t bear that responsibility. Perhaps they weren’t educated on how to deal with it, and again, that is ok. Some people may never understand what postpartum is or how to help. It’s a tricky subject. And I thank everyone who was willing to at least try to help me even if they felt their help went unnoticed or made no dent in what I was going through. There are so many different avenues to getting help with postpartum and I was lucky enough to eventually find mine. But please please get help. I will advocate for postpartum awareness and education until I die.
When I decided it was time for me to end my blogging journey, I was actually rocking my daughter to sleep. I thought about how crazy my life had become in the last few months and how I, myself, had changed entirely. My priorities had shifted so much that I had to reevaluate how I planned to maintain them. I want to be a great mother. I want to work my butt off to show her that hard work pays off. I want to be able to provide for her and myself. I want to be a success story and not a statistic. Now I am busy making my dreams a reality. And unfortunately writing feels like it just can’t align with my plan for a brighter future.
To all my loyal readers and friends who have supported me for the past five years, thank you. I pray that you all live beautiful and fruitful lives. I hope that you grow and love and flourish into even more wonderful souls than you already are. I am so grateful for all you have done for me as I shared my life with everyone. It wasn’t always easy, but it was well worth it in the end. You all are amazing.
I will always write. Maybe to myself or to loved ones. I will always share what I feel comfortable sharing. I will always have a voice, don’t doubt that.
I am no longer Megann Louise, Lifestyle Blogger. I am now Megann Louise, mother, adventurer, lover, doer, move-maker.