Posted on March 17, 2019
Hi guys and happy Saint Patrick’s Day! It’s been a month since I decided to take a break from blogging. At the time, my mind was getting pulled in a million different directions and I couldn’t find time to sit down and write. My motivation was gone and my sanity was hanging on by a thread. Although I’m not ready to come back as strong as I was before, I thought I would take some time to give an update on everything that has gone on since I announced my break.
The day after I decided to take a break, I went back to my hometown for the weekend to be with my family. I got to go to a high school basketball game which was fun since I haven’t had a chance to get to any CSU games this year. The next week, my boyfriend and I took a trip to our hometown yet again for another basketball game for my sister’s senior night ceremony. For those of you who are unaware, senior night is when the seniors who participate in sports that season are recognized for their participation, grades, and goals for the future. It meant a lot to get to be there for her second senior night.
Luckily for me, my midterm week was kind to me. I only had two exams for the week in Bio and Arabic History. My other classes either assigned papers or just used our current grade as our midterm grade. My assignments were super hard and took up almost every minute of my day, but I was just happy that I didn’t have to study a million things.
I passed all my midterms but I recognize that I could have done even better. I guess I’ll just have to use it as motivation for the remainder of the semester. Although there’s a lot of work to be done in order to pull this off, I still have the goal of making it on the dean’s list. I’ve just come to terms with the small chance of that happening. It has nothing to do with my intelligence, but more to do with the number of assignments and exams I am given weekly. I know I’ve said this a lot, but there’s not much downtime between one assignment and another. That’s pretty common in college and people still manage to pull off getting on the dean’s list somehow, so props to those people! I just know that my brain needs lots of breaks to feel healthy.
As I’m writing this, it’s the last day of spring break. It’s hard to believe it’s already over. It went by in the blink of an eye for me. I didn’t go on any big vacation or do anything special. I just wanted to relax and enjoy my apartment since I’ll be moving out in just a few months. I really took for granted the opportunity to live by myself in a new area. There’s so much I wish I would have done sooner, but there’s no going back to change that so I have to make the best of what I have while I still have it. I’ve spent a lot more time in the backyard of the complex overlooking the lake and studying/reading- even when it’s a bit chilly outside. The view is something I may not get living somewhere else, so I’m trying to appreciate it. I move out in May, although the date has not been set. I just know that I have to be out by May 17. It seemed like such a long time away when I first moved in and somehow the days just crept right up on me. As much as I’ve absolutely hated this place and all it’s breaking amenities, I’m sure I’ll shed a few tears when I’m carrying out the last of my things. It was my first apartment and first time living on my own. It quickly became my home and it sucks having to go.
Like I said earlier, I’m not quite ready to get back into writing consistently but I wanted to give everybody an update. I know it’s nothing special but it’s something. I’m still working on myself every day and it’s much harder than some people may think. I’ve faced (and continue to face) so many personal situations that have gotten in the way of my happiness, confidence, and mental health. The battle does not end, no matter how defeated I tend to feel. One day I hope to update everyone on what has been going on behind closed doors, but for now, I want to keep some things private.
I’ll see you guys back here soon!
Love you all.
Category: Blog Tagged: academics, answers, apartment, Blog, College, college student, education, family, focus, focusing on me, future, girl talk, good grades, grateful, happy, journey, learning, life, life update, me, midterms, moving out, sad, school, spring break, student, studying, university, update
Posted on November 9, 2016
After forcing myself to become someone socially acceptable, I lost sight of who I truly was. I spent years collapsing when faced with peer pressure and it ultimately destroyed my confidence. After realizing what I had been doing to myself, I found the strength to correct myself and promote a healthier lifestyle. This has been a long journey, and I’m ready to share my story with those who may be looking for motivation to help themselves.
Key in the Ignition
I can’t lie to you, starting this process took more than one look in the mirror. It took about 1,460. And once I took that final look and decided to make a change, it wasn’t set in stone. I spent days at a time arguing with myself over whether or not it was truly worth it in the long run. I doubted my strength and courage to take on such a demanding challenge. But once I noticed how much negativity I directed towards myself, I realized that something really needed to be done in order to rescue myself from the downward spiral I was heading towards.
On the Side of the Road
A few weeks after going through an emotional end to a relationship, I was distraught and depressed beyond comprehension. I didn’t care about my schoolwork or relations with others. I shut down completely and never left my bedroom. Eating became a challenge, as I imagined that whatever went down would come right back up moments later. I ate about one meal a day and rarely cleared my plate when I did decide to eat.
Not only did I suffer from a potential eating disorder, but I also lacked efficient amounts of sleep. I stayed up late crying to John Legend songs and reading Atticus’ poetry on Instagram. I watched as weeks went by and my physical appearance seemed to deteriorate. Looking back at it now, I am truly blessed to have recovered from all I had been going through.
Now, I am in no way blaming my ex for what I went through. This was all my own doing- my own heart and my own decisions. I completely empathize for him now, since I understand where I had gone wrong before. I just felt that I needed to clarify since a lot of people would take it as a jab in his direction. But I am actually thankful for the pain brought on by the tragic end to our relationship because it helped me realize what I had been doing wrong and it motivated me to finally change.
Are We There Yet?
Being new to recovery, I was unaware of how long of a process it would be. I’d spend a few days being nothing but positive and caring, but come home feeling nothing but drained and stuck in one place. I didn’t see any progress nor did I give myself the time to. I wanted to be better, and I wanted it right away.
Eventually, however, I came to grips with the reality of the process. It wasn’t going to be ok in a day or two, maybe not even a year or two. It was just going to run its course and whatever happened, happened. And fortunately, being accepting of the truth of the matter helped the process move faster than it originally had been.
You Have Reached Your Destination
Ok, so “reaching my destination” may be a slight exaggeration since I have so much further to go, but I have definitely seen remarkable advancements in the right direction. I’ve learned to love myself and others for the littlest things. I’ve promoted self-love and independence. I have no longer relied on others for my happiness and it has made me realize how precious life is. Oh, God that’s cliché, but let me explain.
Life is like driving down a long and winding road. You’re in control of where you take yourself. When faced with an obstacle in that road, you can either keep driving through it in hopes that one day the pot holes and rain storms will become routine, or you can turn right onto a freshly paved road with beautiful blossoming flowers and welcoming brick houses. But before you can decide which route to take, you have to recognize where you are and where you want to end up.