Books I NEED To Read

I’ve never really had the time (or interest) to read. I used to love reading, but as I grew older, I felt a shift where I almost never picked up a book unless I absolutely had to… and even that was rare. But I recently decided that I want to change that.

I took my biweekly trip to Target with my sister the other day. It was one of the first times in a while that I wasn’t being rushed, so I thought I’d stop at the book section. I found myself drowning in so many options. My sister was not getting me out of the aisle no matter how hard she tried.

Unfortunately, groceries were top priority, so I could only get one book that trip. After ten minutes of going back and forth, I finally chose Own Your Everyday by Jordan Lee Dooley. It’s a beautiful book so far. It’s all about overcoming pressure and getting past whatever is holding you back. I really needed to read it right now. Perfect book, perfect timing.

But, like I said, there were a ton of books that I wanted to read. I was sure to jot down all the titles and authors so I could remember them all and start checking them off a list. I even looked online for even more books I may want to read.

 

The Little Book of Otter Philosophy by Jennifer McCartney

The Joy of Missing Out by Tonya Dalton

The Art of Breaking Up by hitRECord

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin

Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis

Let Love Have the Last Word: A Memoir by Common

10% Happier by Dan Harris

The World According to Mister Rogers by Fred Rogers

Make Sh*t Happen by Alex Martin

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I Learned My Enneagram Type and It’s Wicked Accurate

In the past week, I’ve made several discoveries.

  1. I like the smell of cactus flower and coconut.
  2. I operate terribly when I pull all nighters.
  3. I am a enneagram type four.

I never really got into enneagrams and all that jazz because for the longest time, it confused me. I didn’t really understand what it meant or where it came from. But I finally caved and did a little research.

For those who don’t know, an enneagram is “a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people conceptualize the world and manage their emotions,” according to Truity.com.

To determine my enneagram number, I took this quiz. It was short and FREE!

I ended up being a type four. What does this mean? Is it accurate?

Type Four is known as the individualist. This person is “self-aware, sensitive, and reserved,” according to the Enneagram Institute. I think I’d have to go ahead and agree with this one. Anyone who knows me knows that especially in new environments I am very reserved and try to stay pretty self-aware.

“While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world.”

Ok, that hit me like a truck. I can’t agree with this anymore. I love having time to myself, but I don’t like being alone/lonely at the end of the day. Wanting someone to appreciate my “secret self” is my ultimate dream, and in recent months, I’ve found myself worrying that I’m too different for someone to appreciate me in that way… which is another characteristic of a type four. Wild, right?

Addictions include, “Over-indulgence in rich foods, sweets, alcohol to alter mood, to socialize, and for emotional consolation. Lack of physical activity. Bulimia. Depression. Tobacco, prescription drugs, or heroin for social anxiety. Cosmetic surgery to erase rejected features.”

 I could really go in and tell you how accurate this is, but I’ll just touch on a few areas. Ok, so the first part- sweets. I have a decent sized candy jar in my room that is stocked up at all times. So you tell me.

Alcohol? I’ll be honest… I’ve indulged a few times as a coping mechanism. Not something I’m proud of, but it’s something that’s real accurate. There was a time where I fell off and found myself reaching for the bottle regularly. I cleaned up nice, though.

Finally, cosmetic surgery. I’ve said so many times that I want to get my nose straightened and smoothed out on the bridge. It has a really weird flat top and itty bitty bump that I’m not a fan of. I’ve also talked about getting lip filler because my bottom lip is the size of at least three of my top lip and it looks insane.

Finding out what my enneagram type is was really exciting. It really helped me see my life in a whole new light. Reading certain traits made me feel a lot better about the direction I am heading in and the way I behave in certain situations.

I highly encourage you to take the quiz and learn what type you are!

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Here’s What Will Happen When You Fall in Love with Someone Who Can’t Love You

Short answer? It hurts like hell.

Long answer?

Things won’t feel right for a while. It’ll feel like you’re going through the motions. You’ll be checking your phone to see that they haven’t called or texted you. You’ll feel like you’re missing something in your day.

You’ll catch yourself thinking about them when you shouldn’t be. Any little thing will remind you of them- the shirt you wore that one time when they came over, the spot on the ceiling you looked at while they held you in their arms, the balled-up gum wrapper sitting on your bedside table. Everything becomes a trigger of a memory. You’ll know that you can’t keep thinking about them, but it’s out of your control.

You’ll wish you could talk to them. Maybe you can. Maybe they’ve said you can text them any time, but you know deep down that they said that just to be polite. Communicating is not something they really care about. If they did, they would’ve been honest with you from the start.

You’ll keep the photos for a while. Probably because you don’t want to let go. Or maybe because you’ve started to feel better but seeing their face washes away the flood gates and you feel all the feelings again. Their face will live in your phone until the feelings are such a distant memory that you forget they’re even there.

You’ll catch yourself falling even more. You know it won’t work, but that won’t stop you from thinking about how happy you two would be if. 

You’ll sleep more. Being awake leads to overthinking. Any time you open your eyes, you’ll shut them again and force yourself to go back to sleep. You won’t want to be awake. You may even feel a pain in your stomach when you think about taking on the day.

You’ll look at things differently. That quote from some philosopher whose name you can’t pronounce might start to have a heavier meaning to you. It might get you thinking. The sad parts of cheesy Hallmark movies might hit too close to home.

You’ll decide to make a change. Changes don’t just come out of thin air. You have to work for them. You have to make them what you want them to be. You’ll see that the position you are in is no longer serving you and want to change that.

You’ll eventually feel ok again. All this pain subsides in due time. I can’t tell you that it’ll be quick or easy. I can just tell you it’ll be right. If you hurt for months, that’s what is right for your path. Days? Hours? Same thing. You’ll start to feel normal and maybe even better than before. You’ll go out more, experience more, love more. You’ll be more you. You’ll love yourself how you wished they would have loved you.

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You Don’t Earn Your Depression

The other day, I came across an article on Odyssey called “You Don’t Need A Reason For Your Depression, It’s Still Valid if Your Life is Technically ‘Good’“and it really got me thinking about a conversation I had with someone recently.

I was talking to a friend about how hard things have been and how badly I wished I wasn’t here. I vented about everything because I felt like I was talking to someone I could trust… someone who would help. Instead, I got the grand old “there are people who have it worse than you” lecture.

And in that moment, I felt disappointment and guilt. Disappointment because that wasn’t at all what I wanted or expected to hear. It was like I was reaching for help but they were stepping on my fingers. Guilt because now I felt terrible for taking everything I had for granted. Even guilt for speaking up about how I was feeling.

I spent a few days feeling awful about feeling awful.

Now I’m finally realizing how wrong that is. I mean, I always thought it was messed up for someone to say you’re not allowed to be upset because people have it worse than you. It’s like saying you can’t be happy because someone has it better than you. But something about the way it had been said to me that night was so manipulative that I was immediately convinced it was the truth.

My poor brain was doing flips. I kept shaming myself for overthinking or feeling pain. Any time I was sad, I told myself I was wrong. It added another layer of problems for me. It was like trying to put out a fire with more fire.

If you’re ever told that you shouldn’t be reacting a certain way because “someone else has it worse than you,” or “someone else would kill to be in the position you’re in,” know that your feelings are valid. It is not your job to base your pain on the pain of others. It is not your job to turn off your feelings at the flip of a switch because someone says you shouldn’t feel that way.

I hate what this person said to me. I hate this person’s mindset. But I don’t hate this person. I actually love them a lot. So, as you can imagine, it really hurts me that I can no longer feel comfortable talking to them about my struggles.

I didn’t want to write about this at first because I was afraid it would cause problems with the person who said it, but at the end of the day it needed to be said. Someone else might need to hear this. I hope the person who said this to me reads this. Let’s be honest, they’re probably going through some shit too.

Please, reach out to your friends. Make sure they’re ok. It isn’t easy to ask someone for help. By showing that interest yourself, it invites and reassures them.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

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Reflecting on My 2019 New Year’s Resolutions & Making New Ones For 2020

At the end of 2018, I wrote 2019 New Year’s Resolutions where I listed my goals for the incoming year. I’ll be honest with you- I forgot I even posted that until yesterday. I figured today I would go back and see if I succeeded with any of them.

2019’s Resolutions

Life

“Give myself more time to relax”

I knew I needed a lot more me time so I did all I could to make that happen. I gave myself breaks from going out with friends and family as a way to decompress from everything. Sometimes that meant staying in bed all day watching tiktoks and other times it meant writing content and planning out upcoming months. Very soothing.

“Don’t push things off until the last minute (plans, school, etc.)”

Oh, I’m the best at procrastinating, so I promise you no adjustments were made here. Just this last semester, I waited until the day before a final project was due to even look at the assignment. Cool, right?

“Get active”

I sort of got there. I do a lot of walking, and I did some exercising for a little while, but nothing crazy. My sister, Rianna, and I have talked about going to the gym more this year, so hopefully I’ll get that squared away.

“Do something out of my comfort zone”

I tried my best in 2019 to do things I wouldn’t usually do and it was a lot more difficult than I expected. Anxiety is a bitch, as I’m sure a lot of you know. But I actually am very proud of myself for the progress I made in 2019. I went to concerts with my sister and made new friends, both of which are usually terrifying to me.

“Be more confident in myself”

In 2019 I learned that this may be up and down for a while. Some days I loved myself and had so much confidence and other days it pained me to look in the mirror. If I look at things accumulatively, I suppose I was a bit more confident in myself in 2019 than the year prior.

“Read more”

I definitely read a lot of textbook material this year, but not a lot outside of school like I originally wanted to. It was one of those things where I just couldn’t find the time to open a book that wasn’t poetry.

“Journal”

I gave up on that one pretty quickly. I journaled whenever I was going through things and it helped me get over whatever was going on, but I never really journaled about positive things.

“Take lots of pictures”

Oh, trust me, I nailed this one. I love taking pictures to capture moments. I have so many pictures from the past year! I also have a lot of videos!

“Eat healthier”

I was back and forth with this one. Some days were good, but then I’d go into a dark hole filled with potato chips and chocolate bars. Yikes. I’ll do better this year. I promise!

“Drink more water”

After I got myself a cute reusable to take to all of my classes, I was never without water. I kept hydrated pretty easily and my skin thanked me. Now if I go a couple days without drinking lots of water, you can tell by the inevitable volcano-like pimples I get on my face!

“Stop using plastic straws”

I did really well for a while with this one by carrying my reusable metal straws with me wherever I went, but then it became a chore and- sad to say- I failed. I’m trying again in 2020, so we’ll see if I do any better this year.

Blog

“Follow a posting schedule”

I was able to do it for a while, but life got a little chaotic and I stopped. It was on/off for a few months, but I still got posts out at least a couple times a month, I think.

“Only post what makes me proud”

I’ve gotten better at making sure my content is something I’m truly proud of instead of what I think I should be posting for either clicks or approval. I think I’ve really narrowed down how I want to run this site and what kind of media should be on here. 2020 will bring a lot of changes!

“Be more confident in my writing”

Some days I was, others I wasn’t so much, but looking back at all I got posted in a year, I’m very proud of myself for keeping up with it more than I had any year before.

“Post at least once a week”

Haha. Well we all know that didn’t happen.

“Meet more fellow bloggers”

Yes! I met so many awesome bloggers who I’d consider good friends of mine now! They helped me figure out where I was wanting my blog to go and what I would have to do to get there. They’ve also given me a lot of inspiration and motivation.

“Take risks with my work”

I definitely took a few risks with things I wanted to do with my blog and some really paid off. I also made a lot of plans for things that I want to do that will take more time. But I guess the idea for said “risks” were made in 2019, so I’ll count those too.

2020’s Resolutions

Life

Eat healthier

Go to the gym

Devote more time to my studies

Gain more confidence in myself

Present myself in a kinder light

Donate a lot of my clothes that I don’t wear anymore

Travel

Blog

Venture into other types of content

Share more photos

Write about unique experiences

Follow a regular posting schedule

Do something huge

If you missed it, I made a Facebook page! It’s where I’ll be sharing behind the scenes work, life updates, and other fun things you won’t see here! Check it out and drop a like!

https://www.facebook.com/MegannLouiseDotCom/

Paying Homage to 2019

Can you believe this is my third year writing my yearly recap? I can’t!

So for those who don’t know, at the end of every year I like to highlight some of my highs and lows of the year (see Paying Homage to 2017, Paying Homage to 2018). I started in 2017 as a casual post, not thinking I would keep up with it the following years. I always consider the third time to be what establishes something as a tradition, so here we are guys! It’s officially a Megann Louise tradition!

In last year’s recap, I said I was going to make 2019 my bitch. Well, we win some, we lose some, right? Whenever I look back on this year I get a bad taste in my mouth. I know a lot of great things happened, but I also experienced a lot of heartache. I’d consider this year to be one of great growth for me.

At the start of the year, I got to see Cody Ko and Noel Miller live with my sister and friend James. Their Youtube videos were what got me through a lot of hard stuff so it was wild that I was in the same room as them.

In May I finished my first year of college at CSU. I ended up making the Dean’s List, which I would not have expected at the beginning of the year. I finally decided on the right major for me in that time too- communication.

I moved out of my first apartment in May, too. It was the ending of an era, I suppose. That place became my home. I made so many wild memories in apartment 509. As sad as I was leaving, I felt a weird sense of relief too. I was leaving behind a piece of me, which was sort of sad, but I knew I was starting a new chapter.

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In July, I surprised my sister with a party for her 18th birthday. It was pretty last minute, but all her friends pitched in and helped me make things work. I was so grateful for everybody’s help in making it such a success. Being able to do something like that for my sister was so special to me.

Then there was a bump in the road. I said goodbye to a nearly two year relationship. Things just don’t work out sometimes and it’s for the best. I still have a ridiculous amount of love and respect for my ex. He’s a great guy…. just not my soulmate. And that’s alright. It took me a while to move past the heartbreak, which is to be expected when you were with someone for a long time. He is genuinely one of my best friends and I’m so lucky to still have him to confide in whenever I need him. While some would expect me to be sad that the relationship ended, I’m glad that I’m still lucky enough to have a friend in him.

For a while after the break up, I was in a really dark place and couldn’t seem to find the way out. I didn’t feel half as confident as I once did. I suppose it’s normal (but in no way healthy) to dog on yourself after a break up… at least for a little while. After I was finally able to get myself out of bed, I was going out to get my mind off of everything. That’s where the fun came in.

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First, we went to see Granger Smith. The story behind that one is a little random. We had gone to Walmart and there were two tour buses in the parking lot (which obviously isn’t a normal thing). Turns out Granger was at Walmart! We didn’t get to see him there, but we took it as a sign that we should buy two tickets to the show that was only hours away.  I have to say that that was one of the best nights I’d had in a while. The rush we felt after buying the tickets was insane. We immediately ran to get ready and blasted Granger throughout the house.

The very next night, we were invited to tag along to a Foreigner concert. I didn’t know too many songs (I know, what’s wrong with me?!) but I still had such a good time. I think that’s one of the first nights where I was able to fully drop every bad thought at the door and enjoy myself.

In late August, I moved back to Cleveland with my little sister for school. We got a new place with two other roommates that’s a lot nicer than the one I lived in the year before. I started what is the second semester of my sophomore year. Rianna, my sister, began her first semester as a freshman! The semester came with a lot of adjusting for us both and somehow we made it through all of the headaches.

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For the second year in a row, my dad, sister, and I went to the Cleveland Air Show. When I was little, my dad always talked about taking us. Then finally last year, we got to go. I’ll be honest- I didn’t think I’d enjoy it all that much. But it was so much fun, that I was jumping up and down over getting to go again this year. I’d love for this to become a tradition!

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To reward ourselves for kicking butt the first few weeks of school, Rianna and I went to our first Cleveland Indian’s game! I’ve never been a die hard baseball fan, but the atmosphere was so fun and I really enjoyed myself. I was still trying to recover from a lot mentally so that night was a breath of fresh air for me. Fun fact- I also bought my first legal drink at the game!

School got progressively more challenging and I went into a downward spiral. I started doing things I swore to myself I would never do. I just lost control of who I was. That’s when I reintroduced myself to faith. I let myself stray from religion in the past few years and by coming back, I felt myself finding closure and motivation to overcome everything I was facing.

Then I did something out of my comfort zone. After having several deep talks with my friend Kaleb, I found motivation to share my story. I went live on Instagram. I came clean about everything I had been feeling because I hoped being transparent would not only help me, but help someone watching. I was open about things that most people would consider taboo. Laying it all out on the table really helped me see the bigger picture. I even got some super sweet messages from people who watched to livestreams. There was so much support and understanding. It was beautiful. I don’t imagine I’ll ever get over that.

Shortly after, I reconnected with a friend I made during my first semester of school at CSU. We got lunch and caught each other up on our lives. We both had some wild stories to tell and a lot of laughs to share. I was really excited to have this friend in my life because he was absolutely hysterical and genuinely a great guy to be around.

I’m so excited to be saying goodbye to this transformative decade. I’ve got a lot of goals for 2020. I want to make it a year of hard work and big steps. I refuse to end 2020 in the same place that I start it. It’s time to grow, baby!

Thank you to everyone who stuck around for another year as well as those who stumbled upon my site this year! You guys make each and every year so special. I hope you all have a magnificent new year and get all you want and need!

If you missed it, I made a Facebook page! It’s where I’ll be sharing behind the scenes work, life updates, and other fun things you won’t see here! Check it out and drop a like!

https://www.facebook.com/MegannLouiseDotCom/

 

To The Girl Going Through A Break-up

I see you.

I know you’re getting frustrated with yourself for crying at night. You want a peaceful night without the pain. But it’s ok to cry. It’s ok and completely normal to grieve the loss of something that cannot come back. Don’t be ashamed.

I promise that you’re healing.

It doesn’t come overnight. You may feel like you’re in the same rut day in and day out, but you’re making progress. I promise you that it won’t feel like it at first and that’ll suck… but it’s happening.

So cry.

Cry because it’s good for you. Cry and eat all the chocolate you can find. Then go buy more. That’s ok.

But here’s what you can’t do.

You can’t force them to come back. You can’t beg. You can’t forget your worth.

You have to focus on your own healing. Figure out how you will move forward. You don’t need to know right away, either. You can spend some time being lost. You’re allowed to be lost. If you were never lost, how can you be found?

If you missed it, I made a Facebook page! It’s where I’ll be sharing behind the scenes work, life updates, and other fun things you won’t see here! Check it out and drop a like!

https://www.facebook.com/MegannLouiseDotCom/

 

 

What To Put in Your Spooky Basket!

If you’ve been living under a rock, you may have missed the spooky basket trend that’s been circulating social media. To sum it up, it’s just a little basket of goodies that people get their significant other in October as a sweet little “thinking of you” gift.

I’ve seen so many people swooning over them that I thought I’d help everyone out and come up with little things you could put in a spooky basket for your friends or special someone! The best part of these spooky baskets is that you don’t have to break the bank to show someone you’re thinking about them this spooky season!

  • Candles
  • Chocolates
  • Candy Corn
  • Stuffed Animal
  • Letter
  • Slippers
  • Fuzzy Socks
  • Blanket
  • Face Masks
  • Flowers
  • Perfume
  • Crocs (I’ve seen this a lot, I don’t know why)
  • Gift Cards
  • Leggings
  • Makeup
  • Costume Accessories
  • Jewelry
  • Photos

You’ve still got time to whip up a spooky basket of your own! If you use any of these ideas or come up with your own, please share! I love seeing spooky baskets, as weird as that sounds!

Happy spooky season!

I’m Better Now | Yet Another Update

As most of you probably know by now, I’ve really been going through it this past month or so. Lots has gone on that’s forced me to make massive changes in my life and ultimately turn into a completely different version of myself. I went through a break-up, a move, health concerns, friend drama, my first week of classes, and a lot of little things that started adding up.

Through all of those changes and bumps in the road, there was one thing that kept me grounded. One thing that stayed no matter who/what left- me. Out of all of the mantras of love and happiness that were preached to me through it all, the hugs and open hearts, knowing that I was still here for me was what kept me going.

I had to prove to myself that I have what it takes to make changes in my life that can be beneficial for me. I relied so heavily on other people to give me what I wanted and needed. At the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I felt comfortable and secure with where I was at. But now, looking back at who I was even a month ago disgusts me. I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I didn’t want to better myself unless someone else took that first step for me.

A part of me hates admitting that… especially online to people who build their opinions of me on what I say and do on this website. But admitting it is liberating in a way too. Being able to say that that’s who I was and not who I am feels really good. I know a lot of close friends and family were genuinely concerned about me. That added pressure dragged me down a lot. However, I knew that doing what I needed to do for myself would serve as reassurance for both myself and those around me. Since I started hitting my roadbumps, I’ve accomplished a lot. I reserve the right to brag a little since I was able to escape the rut I was in for so long.

I’ve been MIA for a while on here and so I haven’t been able to share my successes with you guys and it’s sucked. I’ve wanted so badly to hop on here and tell you all what I’ve been up to, but I feared that the second I shared it, it would all go away. But now I’m fairly confident that the work I’ve put in so far has put me in a safe spot.

I’m doing really well in my classes and I’ve already made a few of those “we’re-in-the-same-class-so-we’ll-be-friends-for-the-semester” friends. My instructors are alright, I suppose. One of them is already the kind of instructor I wish all of them were- relatable. He likes the same types of music as me and makes my kinds of jokes. I expect a lot of great things from his classes I’m taking.

In the love life department, I’m just doing me. I love myself more than I have ever loved myself. I feel confident and independent, and I’ve been trusting myself to make the best decisions possible. I have definitely met a few guys who have drawn my interest, but I’m not ready to devote myself to anyone other than me right now. I’m so happy with my life the way it is. If I do, however, find someone that I feel I cannot live without, I’ll be careful. Then again, I may not have to be. Now I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t. I’ve learned what I love about love and what I don’t care for. I guess you could say I narrowed down the search. But again, this will all be in due time.

I have some big things in the works that I’m not ready to announce yet, but as soon as things are set in stone, I’ll be announcing it everywhere like it’s my job (I guess it sort of is)!

Finally, thank you to everyone for the support on my last post. I miss you guys and I might just be ready to come back!

If you missed it, I made a Facebook page! It’s where I’ll be sharing behind the scenes work, life updates, and other fun things you won’t see here! Check it out and drop a like!

https://www.facebook.com/MegannLouiseDotCom/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do I Get Through A Painful Break-up?

Asking for a friend… but not really.

As some of you may have seen, I had written a piece about how I was coping with an excrutiating break-up. I didn’t know which way was up anymore. I was clinging onto the idea of something that was so far gone it was laughable. I later read through the post and after speaking to some friends and family (and my ex), I decided that the post, however honest, did more harm than good. So in less than 24 hours, the post was removed. Although I am very puzzled about the behavior of my ex and the recent events that have taken place, I still have the utmost respect for him; especially online.

However, I did say in that post that when I signed up to be a blogger, I pretty much signed up to share some of my personal experiences and emotions with everyone. Everyone who has told me what a beautiful couple we were deserves to know that it’s over. As much as I hate to write a post talking about my break-up and the hell I’ve been going through, I have hope that it will reach someone who is going through the same thing to show that everyone goes through it at some point and it’s ok to grieve in a different way than most do.

I, for one, had no idea where to start. This was my longest relationship (nearing 2 years) so I had never been so attached and comfortable with someone before. To shut off that part of my brain that was so used to talking everyday and cuddling every night was a huge request. I felt myself being backed into a corner where no matter what I did, I was going to lose. So something in me told me to go down fighting. I said things I shouldn’t have, and did things that were out of character for me. Again, let me remind everyone that people go through break-ups in different ways. I happened to live in a state of panic for weeks. Panic about my future, about having to tell other people, about the embarrassment of a failed relationship (yeah I was embarrassed. So stupid, right?!).

There were days where I lashed out at my family, friends, and ex because of my inability to process my emotions. It was like every second there was a new thought in my head that triggered a new feeling. My mind was working against me. I think the best time I’ve been able to describe that feeling was yesterday when I spoke to my dad on the phone. I told him I recognized my emotions were not my own. I felt like someone had taken over and I clocked out. Anything I said, did, or felt was purely out of my control. Maybe nobody will understand that and you’ll think I’m crazy, but it was just like going into autopilot to cope. The only difference is if this was a plane, we would have crashed.

I’m a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I love, I love hard. I jump the gun sometimes, but either way, the feelings are there. The worst part of that (and something I hope to change) is that I devote all my time and energy into my relationship. I’m constantly thinking about this person and what I can do to show them I love them. Thinking about them and having them in my life is an addiction. So when I get blindsided, I have to force myself to stop thinking that way. I still haven’t gotten to that point yet if I’m being honest. I still think about “my bub” and how I would kill for some more time with him. He would always tell me about how the bridge of my nose was cold so I still touch my nose and think about how sweet and innocent those moments were. But I’m taking baby steps.

My friend David put it perfectly. He said that he was my drug. Now whenever I think about texting or calling him to beg like a loser, I’m relapsing. So I finally, after weeks of making an utter fool of myself, decided to quit cold turkey. No contact. It’s time to focus on me and all the goals I’ve ever had for myself. It was the kick in the ass that I needed.

To get a little deep here, I’m worried about myself. I’ve spent nearly two years recieving attention, happiness, love, and understanding from someone special and now I have to learn how to give that to myself. I started dating this person when I was 19. I was still new to college life and being an adult, so I was still growing. Now I’m 21. I grew along side him and figured out life with him in it. I guess I just feel like I took two steps back because now I have to figure out all of this stuff about myself again, just without him. Again, maybe what I’m saying won’t make sense to anyone since we handle things differently, but I’m trying to be transparent here.

I know I’ll get through this because I’ve gotten through far worse. I never made it out 100% like I was before, but that’s the point, right? Pain teaches a lesson. I’m ready to see what the world has in store for me. I’m already finding the motivation to do so much for myself that I usually dismissed. This could be my time to shine. I’m just frightened over the time and effort it will take to get to that point.

I absolutely love that man with every inch of my being. My friends and family say I shouldn’t say that anymore. Some say I shouldn’t even love him anymore. But I know that my love for him will never go away. It may change, but it will always- ALWAYS- be there. He was my best friend and partner in crime for so long. He listened to me whenever I was upset, held me when I felt I was falling apart, and put me back on track when I was losing sight of things. He knew about my faults and still chose to love me. If I could say anything to him, it would be thank you. He helped me feel like I was beautiful and special, even if I lost that feeling when he left. In the time that we were together, I gained so much confidence in myself that I could not have found without him and his constant reassurance. It helped me with a lot like my first apartment by myself, my first year away from my family, my first full year of college, etc.

I refuse to bash him. We weren’t perfect for each other and we both made mistakes that hurt the other person, but he was my favorite person for two years. He was my protector, caretaker, lover, best friend, and so much more. Even though I’ve messed up a lot recently with how I’ve gone about things, I don’t think it’s fair anymore to put him down.

It feels good to speak highly of him… to be able to say I was lucky enough to fall in love with someone like him makes me happy. But for the time being, there will be no more posts about my break-up or anything about my ex.

I will most likely be taking a break from writing while I get myself out of a dark place, and I hope everyone understands. I may come back on occasion for updates or if I feel like I’m at a good spot at that time. Otherwise, I will be gone.

If you want to keep tabs on me and make sure I’m not losing my head, follow me on Instagram and Twitter (@_megannlouise_) for the latest updates on my life.

I also have a Facebook page which I will try to use more often now. To like the page, click here.

 

 

What We Can All Learn From Cameron Boyce’s Untimely Death

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Today I had a different post scheduled to go up. However, with the recent news of Cameron Boyce’s passing, I wanted to make this post instead. It’s something that has been on my mind for quite some time and now is the perfect time to share it with everyone.

Before getting into my message, let’s reflect on Cameron Boyce.

Boyce passed away in his sleep after suffering from a seizure linked to an ongoing medical condition, according to his family’s spokesperson. He was 20 years old. In his short years on Earth, he became a familiar face to those who watched Disney Channel productions such as Jessie and Descendants, or Adam Sandler’s films Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2. These are only a few of his many performances that grew his massive following.

He was also a philanthropist who devoted a lot of his time to the Thirst Project, a non-profit organization that brings clean drinking water to areas where it is not readily accessible. In one of his last interviews, he mentioned that he wanted to be a ‘difference maker.’ He said, “many people have the heart to give back, but a lot don’t know how to. I try to be the bridge for those people – whether that means getting them involved in one of my campaigns or inspiring them by showing them a blueprint of how to get others engaged.” While most Disney actors are practically required to give off an image of innocence and selflessness, he radiated that energy naturally.

Boyce was the first Disney actor from our time to pass away, which has introduced a new type of pain and greiving to the many viewers/fans of Boyce’s work. We grew up watching him grow up. We welcomed him into our home each time he appeared on our television. Whenever an actor our parents watch passes, it doesn’t necessarily hit home for us as much as Cameron’s passing has for so many our age.

His death should go as a reminder to those of you who may have forgotten- life is short and unpredictable. As previously mentioned, Cameron Boyce was a fresh 20 years old when he passed. It is safe to assume that he had much planned for his future that he did not get to achieve in his lifetime. Perhaps he had plans for days, weeks, months, years down the road that can no longer be fulfilled.

 Any second could be your last. Any second could be someone you love’s last. We cannot waste a second of our time being anything less than grateful for all our life has offered us. We are never promised another day. Live in the moment. Appreciate everything. Holding grudges or resentment toward others is a waste of your precious time and can also prevent you from making the sweetest memories. Spread love, hope, positivity, strength, and support always. And while you are working to make your life all you’ve ever wanted it to be, don’t be too busy to help boost others when they need it. They say being a good person doesn’t cost you anything, and they’re right. And the payout is even greater. Knowing that you’re enough to help others is an amazing feeling I hope all of you get to feel one day if not now.

 

Of course my condolences are with Cameron’s friends, family, and millions of fans at this time.

Reflecting on Two Years Post-Highschool| What I Learned, Experienced, and Became

Yesterday my sister graduated high school. I watched her walk across the stage with her honors tassel, get her diploma from our dad (the School Board President) and toss her cap in the air with the rest of her small class. It was weird thinking that she’s grown up now. Just two years ago, I was the one graduating and she was still learning how to be a student, not an adult.

It really had me reflecting on what all has happened to me in the past two years since I received my diploma. I’ve learned a lot in those two short years and it has shaped me into a completely different person. So what has happened?

1. I  got my first job.

I wrote about this before, but I worked for the Boys and Girls Club Association in my hometown. I got to work with kids, which I absolutely love. Teaching them and showing them that not everyone is a bad guy was amazing. Being a role model to kids who not always had the best home lives is rewarding in and of itself, but getting paid to do it made it even better. I met so many different people who loved helping children and it was inspiring. At the time, I was an early childhood education major so it was a great experience for me.

2. I quit my first job.

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Damn right I did. Five months later and I was out of that hell hole. To this day, I miss my little kiddos that never failed to put a smile on my face. But the other employees from top to bottom were not the crowd for me. After a while, I learned that I had to do what was best for myself and I turned in my resignation. I remember telling the kids I was leaving. It was torture. But now I’m out of a toxic workplace and I’m feeling so much better. No job is worth my sanity, dignity, and time.

3. I fell in love.

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I fell in love with my best friend almost instantly. We met 10 months before we started dating. I had graduated high school already and he was at the beginning of his senior year. My friends and I supported him at every Friday night football game. We slowly got closer and closer and then we started dating.  When we started dating I felt something different about him. You know how kids feel safe whenever they have a certain teddy bear or blanket with them? He’s my teddy bear/blanket. He’s helped me come out of my shell a lot. I’ve been much better with my anxiety since he’s been there to help me. I’ve never met someone so patient and kind. He really is the best boyfriend ever- although I might be a bit biased- and I love him more and more each day.

4. I went to college.

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In the fall after I graduated high school I attended a community college but it just wasn’t for me. I was looking into switching majors and they didn’t have my major, so I made the switch to a bigger university. It was the best decision of my life. I was so much happier. I took a semester off between schools to recalibrate and dedicate more time to that job I mentioned earlier. Once I got to move out on my own and get out of my suffocating hometown, I flourished. I made new friends, learned new things about myself, and got to grow into who I was supposed to be. Being in a big city was super different but with the help of my boyfriend and my new friends, it was manageable.

5. I made the Dean’s List.

After a stressful semester and a lot of hard work, I made the Dean’s list in the spring. I surprised myself with that one. I got roughly 28 hours of sleep a week and the only thing keeping me awake most days was coffee. I was constantly studying or planning time to study. It was an endless cycle of stress for me so getting the news that I made the Dean’s list was really rewarding. Now that I’ve found a major that I like, I’m excited to see how it impacts my grades in the future.


After thinking about all the things that went on after graduation, I’ve thought of a lot of advice I would give people in the position I was in two years ago. I know a lot of it is cliche but I genuinely mean every word I say. If even one piece of advice helps one person, all this Hallmark channel bullshit will be worth it.

1. Don’t let other people influence you.

I did this a lot in high school and once I was out, I realized how much control I really had over my life that I had never known before. When you’re chasing the trends or following the crowds, it’s easy to lose control of yourself without noticing it. Use this time to sit down by yourself and make a loose plan for the future. Don’t let yourself think one time about other people’s plans or interests. Think about where you want to be in five years, ten years, etc. Make it your goal to get there.

2. Make memories

Don’t let anything stop you from enjoying these years of your life while they last. Eventually you won’t be able to do these things anymore. The life you live now is what the younger you dreamt of, so you have to make it something he/she would be proud of. The life you’ll live in 10 or 20 plus years will not be like how it is now, I promise you. Make the best of life now so you can look back at it and say you lived it right.

3. Don’t dwell.

Guilty as charged. But please, whatever you do, don’t dwell on the negatives. Bad things happen to everyone. But the way you recover from them says more about you. Don’t waste your time thinking about the bad things that have happened to you in the past. Spend your time making sure the good things are coming your way. We always remember all the little things that go wrong instead of the little things that go right. We need to fix that.

4. Be open to change.

You have to realize that you won’t be the same person forever. The environment around you will change, your friends and family will change, you will change. Be open to it. Be welcoming to change. I had to teach myself that growing up and achieving my goals required alterations to my life. It was hard at first and I was definitely guarded. With time it got easier and now I cross my fingers every day hoping for more changes because that means I’m one step closer to being the best version of myself.

5. Travel.

A county over, a state over, a country over- who cares? Just travel. Meet new people and visit new places. Remind yourself that this world is bigger than your hometown. You could end up anywhere in the future and that’s really helped me open up my eyes. I didn’t go too far from home, but it was just far enough to give me a taste of diversity.

6. Love with your whole heart.

No half-assed love here. If you love someone, prove it. Nobody is required to stay in your life forever. You need to show them what they mean to you. Give them attention, support, and stability. And if you aren’t willing to do that, let them go. Don’t be selfish. Love wholeheartedly or not at all.

7. Leave your judgment behind.

If you think you can leave high school and keep being a judgmental prick, you have another thing coming. It’s not cool dude. I was that person who judged every book by its cover. Once I went off to college I got to know people for who they really were- their interests, stories, and personalities. Life outside of high school isn’t cliquey and I don’t think I want that to change. So don’t bring that shit into the real world, please and thank you.

If you missed it, I made a Facebook page! It’s where I’ll be sharing behind the scenes work, life updates, and other fun things you won’t see here! Check it out and drop a like!

https://www.facebook.com/MegannLouiseDotCom/